Lost…

This picture represents me this week. A bit battered and bruised but clinging on for dear life!

I managed to capture this photo of a broken fly clinging to my washing line in the rain. I wanted to show his determination, to cling to that wire and not be beaten by a little bit of rain. And cling on he did! For quite some time. Flying away later despite a seemingly broken wing… I’m reliably informed (by Google) that he is a flesh fly. Probably best we don’t delve too deeply into the reasons flesh flies are called flesh flies… Anyway, I named him Frank. And now you’re assuming I’ve totally lost the plot, naming flies and taking photos of them… you’re probably right to a degree. But this little broken fly is me this week. Not sure quite what it says about someone who identifies with a broken flesh fly called Frank, but I’m going with it… the analogy works!

So you’ve probably guessed that I’ve not had a great week. I haven’t, but it’s not been all bad however, while the highs have been really high, the lows have been really, really low. There have been tears and tantrums and moments of utter despair, countered only by those brief moments of pure and absolute joy! I have wasted many hours reliving and overthinking incidents, injustices and conversations…Why does your brain allow you to do that when you can’t actually change what happened?! It’s exhausting… and pointless. So desperately pointless. And generally only serves to make you more miserable. Crappy things happen, by accident or design.. but they still happen. Analysing every minute detail of an incident or word spoken in the heat of the moment, will not change the outcome, or alter someone’s perspective. Generally it just serves to hyper focus your attention on the negatives. And negative aspects of any given situation are simply that, negative, and by definition will only serve to make you miserable. So don’t do it. Don’t wallow (I’m speaking as an expert wallower!) as it manifests your misery and plummets you into the very depths of the black hole you were previously just teetering on the edge of. It can also fire you up to fight back and battle harder, when really what you should be doing is accepting your failings and apologising for any wrongdoing so the past can become precisely that, the past. Reflection and acknowledgment is important, wallowing is not! Reflect, learn from it and put it behind you.

I haven’t managed to do that this week. Overthinking every little injustice has led to the belief that I am now public enemy number one, much maligned by all who have the misfortune to know me. I am indeed a terrible person. There is no other possible explanation for the way this week has played out. You reap what you sow. I also now imagine that everyone who knows me has received some sort of secret memo outlining my failings and inadequacies and encouraging people to treat me as the pathetic specimen I really am. Of course, I don’t really believe that, but when you are feeling low, for whatever reason, it is so easy for negativity to spiral out of control, and for you to convince yourself that these ridiculous notions are in fact true. There has to be some truth to lead you to these conclusions in the first place, right? Imagine someone suddenly changes their behaviour towards you with no explanation… When you try to establish a reason for the change, their response is not to address any issues or concerns you may be having, but to instead identify you as the problem. Deep down, you know that’s not the case… but you cannot rationalise what they are telling you and the way they are behaving, any other way, so your brain fills in the gaps to eliminate any confusion. They’re right! I am a terrible person after all. So now, after trying to be good and helpful and supportive and kind, and that clearly not being the perception of others, I have decided there is no point any more. I cannot be what others want me to be. My intentions have been twisted. My own words used against me. I am done. Beaten. I am not enough. And by the standards set for me, I never will be. I don’t know what I can do differently to be the person people want me to be, or expect me to be. It’s time to move on. I’m closing the net. Eliminating all of the people and things that do not have a positive influence in my life. So for now you have won. Bravo. You have succeeded in tipping me over the edge this week. Unlike Frank, I couldn’t cling on to the wire.

I shouldn’t have to write this paragraph in my own blog, my own safe space, but sadly after recent events I have to spell it out. This post is not about a single individual. My comments relate to the actions and words of more than one person. So if you identify with anything I have written here, it doesn’t automatically mean I am referring to you, but if anything, perhaps you should be giving your head a wobble too?

I’m going to end on a positive! The highlight of my week… Joe’s GCSE results!! Go Joe! You are truly awesome. The brains of the family indeed. His results are so similar to his mocks that there is no denying that he would be capable of achieving the same grades had he actually sat the exams. I’m glad his teachers recognised that. So the skinny legend is heading to Sixth Form to do A levels in Art, English Literature and Biology.