I need to learn when to walk away, when not to rise to an argument. I need to learn that just because I do not agree with someone, does not make them worthy of a response. I’m getting myself in such a tizz, and to what end?! Working myself up right before I need to go to sleep. Never a great idea! Someone has posted in one of my Parkinson’s groups asking what to buy someone who has Parkinson’s for Christmas… More specifically, what to buy someone who has Parkinson’s, ‘to keep them mentally occupied’??!!!! I mean, I took exception at the notion that you would buy someone who has Parkinson’s different gifts to someone who is fortunate not to have Parkinson’s. Buy them something they would like, simple! The suggestion that it needs to be Parkinson’s specific only serves to remind you that you have Parkinson’s, when believe me, you absolutely do not need reminding. And then to add insult to injury, this woman thinks we need to be mentally occupied, whatever that even means??!!! So I replied to her post suggesting that she focus on the things that Parkinson’s has not yet robbed the person of, the positives if you like, rather than buying gifts which point out the obvious stuff you have lost. I was told that actually people with Parkinson’s would appreciate a commode, a shower stool, a large print word search or a fiddle blanket. So I got a bit more angry and upset and responded as a person with Parkinson’s… pointing out I still love photography, baking, gardening and writing despite being afflicted and disability aids and fiddle blankets, although useful to some, do not make thoughtful gifts! I was told I was ungrateful and should appreciate how lucky I am. At that point I realised this was an argument I would never win. I was arguing with a woman who does not have Parkinson’s. She will never be able to see things from anything but her own blinkered perspective. She thinks she is doing a nice, thoughtful thing. So I bowed out gracefully and handed all of my devices to Mark and took the dog for a walk, chasing the sunset, in the wrong direction… Woe betide anyone who ever buys me anything to keep me ‘mentally occupied’!! If that’s how you view me, I don’t want your gift!! And as for feeling lucky?!!!

I don’t know what is going on with me at the moment. Nighttime is horrific. I have never experienced anything like the last few nights. Dystonia so severe it leaves me a rocking, weeping mess. When I do sleep I wake up hearing myself ranting and crying out, my leg and foot distorted by intense muscle spasms which do not subside. And the cycle begins again… more rocking and weeping silently as my body contorts. Sleep creeping in fleetingly as each spasm subsides enough to allow me to lie down. But not enough. Never enough. I’ve been sitting here watching my tremor. It’s rearing it’s ugly little head again. No gentle, subtle re-emergence, but full on tremor from the get go. Why when I take all of this medication to banish it, is it back?!

This is what I take before bed. Medication designed to treat my Parkinson’s symptoms and then other medication to treat the side effects of my Parkinson’s medication. None of it works well enough or lasts long enough and yet this is all I have… I’m attending a seminar next week to discuss DBS. At this precise moment I’d consider just about anything if it made a difference. But yeah, I’m supposed to feel lucky…

On a much more positive note, I published a second little book of poetry last week. It wasn’t planned at all and just sort of happened while I was messing about on Mark’s PC one day. Worse things could happen?! I’m still writing and planning to publish a book, but it’s so much more work, and finding the time and motivation to do it at the moment is difficult. Hopefully it will be worth the wait!

4.2 is the average number of years that people with Parkinson’s remain in employment following their diagnosis. Or so I learned today at a Parkinson’s Symposium. I had decided I need to educate myself and lose this ‘head in the sand’ attitude I seem to have adopted lately, so attending the symposium was the first baby steps towards doing that. I even asked a question, hence the opening sentence to this blog post. When I heard this statistic, my initial reaction was that my days of employment are suddenly numbered… I’m at 3 years post diagnosis… will I really only be employable for another year? Really?! That’s a very scary thought. Imagine having that sort of life sentence imposed upon you? You question your usefulness and your worth. But you can look at it another way! Average is simply that! Some people with Parkinson’s give up work at the point of diagnosis while others continue to work for many more years. I did my own research.
A UK-wide survey investigated the effect of Parkinson’s on employment and the critical factors that would help people with Parkinson’s remain in or re-enter employment. 327 people with Parkinson’s took part in a survey and a smaller number in one-to-one interviews. The study’s findings showed that:
 four out of five reported that Parkinson’s made work difficult for them
 six out of 10 respondents reported leaving work because of these difficulties
 minor adjustments could make work life easier, including flexible working hours,
specialist equipment and occupational therapy
 four out of 10 felt that they were supported by their employer
 respondents had worked an average of 4.7 years after diagnosis
 there was a variety of experiences with Access to Work, but a lack of awareness of the
scheme
Some smaller studies have also found people retire earlier when they have Parkinson’s. For example in one study the average retirement age was 55.8 years, compared to the then UK average of 62 years

It’s doesn’t make for great reading, does it?! Career longevity is not in my future. The struggle is already too real. The struggle to get ready for work before medication is effective. The struggle to physically and mentally do my job to a standard whereby people do not realise I’m struggling. The struggle to to have some semblance of a ‘normal’ life when I’m not at work. Work:Life balance is so important but so difficult to achieve in reality. Where do you draw the line? At what point do you say the struggle is not worth the reward anymore? And therein lies the rub! For people with Parkinson’s, working has so many benefits, to mental, physical and emotional well-being. It becomes a delicate balancing act. A job is so much more than a source of financial stability. A job brings with it social contact, conversation, problem solving, routine, time management, hope…

So the answer is not to be average! When have I ever been average at anything?! Below average maybe, but I’m definitely not average! I plan to smash your measly four and a bit years out of the water. I refuse to believe that I won’t be able to work in just over a year. You are only limited by the limits you choose to put on yourself! And if the time comes, and it will, when I have to give up midwifery, I will do something else that I can do… Can’t is not an option where I can make a choice. So I choose not to be average. Just because the average person does so, doesn’t mean I have to. Bring it on Parkinson’s!!! This is one battle I refuse to let you win.

Speaking of battles….. this

I am not average

I’m not the norm

I battle my demons

And ride the storm

Just to continue

To show up each day

The struggles I have

Hidden away

I love my job

It makes me whole

Parkinson’s won’t win

That’s not my goal

The friends I’ve made

Good times we share

I benefit so much

Knowing you care

I need to work

It’s part of me

To show other people

How great we can be

Despite Parkinson’s

Bringing us down

You can be brilliant

So, polish your crown

Show everyone

How great you can be

Your future’s not written

Create your own destiny!

I’m not feeling particularly positive at the moment. Aspects of my life are really dragging me down and making me miserable. I feel let down by people who I rely on who have withdrawn their invaluable support. So I question my reliance on them. Like a petulant child, I decide not to reach out to them any more, knowing that it will be to my detriment not theirs. I’m tired of fighting for stuff. I’m sick of nothing being straightforward. And today, I hate Parkinson’s. I hate Parkinson’s and the way my life has changed because of it. I’m upset that my Parkinson’s nurse won’t see me, my new car now won’t be ready until March, my son had another breakdown, my Christmas off duty means I won’t see my mum, the vet said the dog is massively obese and I can’t be there for other people like they need me to be. I’m trying my best not to become the consequence of that negativity. The needy, miserable friend and colleague that no one wants to be around. So I’ve wallowed for a bit and succumbed to the unfairness of life. But wallowing doesn’t change anything so I wrote a poem. I know, you’re all going to point out that writing a poem won’t change anything either but it helps me… so that’s ok.

Pain

Pain is my nemesis

It’s a daily fight

I long for relief

So I can sleep at night

Pain is exhausting

When it won’t abate

People don’t realise

They cannot relate

Pain is my agony

A battle I cannot win

A solution evades me

But I can’t give in

Pain is my normal

But that should not be

Not a day goes by

When I am pain-free

Pain is a number

I rate on a scale

But it is subjective

And that’s where we fail

Pain is a sign

That something is wrong

Nothing can prepare you

For it being lifelong

Pain is my alarm clock

Waking me every day

Nothing I do

Will make it go away

Pain is my obsession

Always on my mind

I just want some respite

Which I cannot find

And as if by magic, after 4 months of fighting to get some relief from my constant, debilitating neuropathic pain, I finally have a prescription!! The relief is immense. I don’t have the tablets yet, but just having the prescription is such a major win for me! That’s my rainbow 🌈 And life isn’t all terrible. That snapshot of my life is just that, a snapshot! I have so much else going on.

So I should be happy? I’m trying. Trying so very hard to convince myself that was the only thing making me miserable. Ha! The list is as long as my arm. But I’m choosing happy because I can. I’m choosing positivity because it’s the only way to achieve it. I can’t just ignore everything else but I can choose to look at it in a more positive light. I’m focusing on the good stuff and the things I can change.

And with that in mind I have a little secret! Actually it’s quite a big secret in the grand scheme of things. I have decided to do something positive. I didn’t originally plan to do this and it’s come a little bit out of the blue but sometimes the best things are the unexpected ones! I’ll be able to share the details when I’ve finalised them… hopefully soon. I know, there’s nothing worse than someone telling you they’ve got a secret and then leaving you hanging!! It’ll be worth the wait! Maybe?! I’m expecting messages from certain people after they’ve read this, trying to find out what my secret is…. You’ll have to wait like everyone else!

Life is good. I’m on annual leave this week. I’ve even had a lovely short break in Stratford upon Avon with my mum. And we’re celebrating Joe’s 18th. So why do I feel inherently sad? Apparently, it is during happy times that I notice my deficits more. The things I can no longer do become so much more obvious! Especially when all I’m trying to do is walk…. But in the spirit of my life in general, I’m not giving in to it. Even though it hits you out of nowhere. You still don’t give in to it. Even though the realisation that your Parkinson’s is progressing is a painful one, you still carry on. You still have to be a wife, a mother, a midwife, a friend, a neighbour, a daughter, a colleague, a dog parent… and all that those roles entail. The world doesn’t stop spinning on its axis because you can no longer function in the way you used to. The progression is a shock this time, I won’t lie. It feels like too much too soon. But I’m still here and I’ve still got stuff I need to do. Stuff I want to do. I have my new friend Ziggy to help me. I can’t say I’m too enamoured with him but it is what it is, and he does help,so I’m embracing him! In fact I know I will miss him when I’m at work…

I’ve contacted my Parkinson’s nurses, in a moment of despair, in the hope that they can offer an alternative to Ziggy… an alternative that works. Because Ziggy doesn’t actually change anything, he just helps me to manage and look a little bit less like Quasimodo… I just want to be able to walk without thinking about it, without pain and without having to plan my every move. It’s exhausting and my life doesn’t have room for such inconvenience! It impacts everything… literally. I sound like I’m moaning. I’m really not. I have so much to be grateful for. Distractions are good but not enough.

Speaking of distractions, I’ve been asked to write a poem for Parkinson’s UK. Get me! Commissions now… but not really. I don’t get paid. One day maybe. For now, I’m just thrilled to be asked. So watch this space… I’ll share it when I’ve written it! I’m also going to publish another book of poetry because I have so many poems floating about. Then my second book, as was, will get finished at some point but that one is more work because I actually have to write something…. It will happen.

So if you see me hobbling about, with or without Ziggy, please don’t comment on my deficits. I’m well aware of what they are and pointing them out only serves to make me feel crappier than I already do. If you must say anything, say something nice. I need to hear nice stuff, happy stuff. Anything other than stating the obvious. Pointing out the things I try to hide. The things that mean my life is changing again. The things that are out of my control. Imagine having people pointing out the things you don’t like about yourself? This is just the same. Every time someone says something to me, it just serves to remind me that I’m not as good as I used to be. I’m not the person I used to be. I know that. And I’m sorry. I couldn’t be more sorry. And I’m sorry that it makes me sad. I need a moment to just be. To absorb what this new me is like. I just need a minute.

But I don’t have a minute. Joe is 18 tomorrow. Another of my children has officially reached adulthood! He doesn’t want a party. He just wants Chinese food and cake. So that’s what we’re doing. He’ll celebrate with his friends next week. Happy birthday Joe. My tall, hairy son. Adored by anyone who is fortunate enough to meet him. Funny and clever. The world is your oyster. Go and be amazing!

It’s funny how life works out sometimes. The path you walk is rarely the path you would chose for yourself. Some aspects maybe, but the rest just happens or is forced upon you in some way and you find yourself walking a path you would never have chosen. But you walk it and live it and adapt to the way things are. Making the best of it. And you think you are doing ok despite everything, when life throws you another curve ball and the path changes direction again. The thing is, I think I’ve always been on this path, I just didn’t realise where I was. Now it has dawned on me. It’s like the fog has lifted and I can see the signs all of a sudden. And I don’t like it. I don’t like the direction I’ve found myself heading in. But you can’t turn back. There is no going back. The best you can do is forge ahead and see what else life has in store for you…

So, what exactly am I talking about. In my last blog post I had experienced a very sudden and scary worsening of my Parkinson’s symptoms. That episode proved to be a thankfully, temporary blip but has left me with some additional symptoms which although milder, don’t appear to be going away any time soon. They are irritating at best and debilitating at worst. I won’t bore you with specifics. Parkinson’s symptoms do not make for very engaging reading. As a consequence, I have become the master of disguise. I don’t want anyone to see how much I struggle now. Simple activities have become difficult or impossible. I delegate so people don’t see that I can’t do them. I hide my tremor. When my medication wears off and I’m left unable to write, I busy myself doing something else until I can take more drugs and regain some function. If I can allocate my own patients at work, I limit myself to a small area of the ward, to reduce the amount I have to walk as every step is agony. Hiding my struggles is exhausting and not sustainable. And therein lies the problem…

I have just worked two shifts back to back. As a result of those shifts being very physically and mentally challenging, I find myself at a deficit today. It’s ok, I have no plans now, but if I did, I would have to cancel them. Again, no biggie… but this is not a one-off situation. It is becoming the norm for me. And that is not the life I want. All work and no play. The current situation at work with activity, quality, staffing and skill mix, means that every shift is physically and mentally challenging. If I was in good health, it would be manageable. As it is, it is dawning on me that it is not sustainable. I am trying to be the person everyone needs me to be at work, but sense I’m starting to fail in that area too. Working at current levels of activity and need is too much for me physically to sustain for any length of time. Up until recently, I have had excellent support at work, with other people picking up the little tasks I can’t do. Now that we are utilising staff from outside our department, the skill mix is reduced and I am having to pick up a number of those tasks myself or burdening my already overworked colleagues who like myself are having to deal with overwhelming workloads themselves. Unless something changes soon, I will seriously have to consider how long I can carry on like this. It’s a sobering thought that I need to consider my future in a career I used to love, at the age of 48… I don’t want more adjustments or redeployment. I just want things to go back to the way they were. I could manage that. Ringing in my ears is my earlier statement that there’s no going back…. I can’t manage this but I don’t know what the answer is? I won’t make any hasty decisions. And I won’t go off sick because that doesn’t solve the problem. I don’t want special treatment because you become that person no one wants to work with. What do I want??? I don’t think an acceptable answer exists and deep down I know where this is going… just for now I’d like to be able to get down the stairs sometime soon… when I say depleted and symptomatic, I’m not joking.

So I started the day watching the feature on BBC news about Parkinson’s… and I was feeling very upbeat thinking how well I am doing compared to some of the people whose stories were featured, and also how different everyone’s Parkinson’s journey is. Smug. Not for long. Karma did her worst. I am now experiencing the worst symptoms I have ever had. And I’m petrified. Last night my tremor, which is usually very well controlled, was off the scale! Mark and I laughed because it was so ridiculously bad. I didn’t think much of it at the time, other than to find it funny… I know, I have a very warped sense of humour… However, I now wonder if that was a precursor to how I’m feeling today? But this goes way beyond a tremor… I’m actually scared by the way I feel. I told Mark that if this is a permanent change, I can’t do it… I can’t even really describe how I feel either. I have a tremor inside my head, but only on one side, and it’s scaring the pants off me. You can’t even begin to imagine how that feels. When the tremor subsides my head feels numb and fuzzy. I also have a tremor in all 4 limbs which is bloody exhausting!! I’m wobbly and disoriented and feel sick and fuzzy. Sod it, Parkinson’s, I’m not doing this!! If this is the future, I’m opting out, thanks… I know I’m being pathetic and childish, before anyone states the obvious… I didn’t sign up for this. I try to remain positive always but there is nothing positive about this. It’s shit! So I’m going to have my pity party and wallow and cry (again) when I can’t do up the poppers on my duvet cover… but then I’ll remember what I have got and how lucky I am and I’ll get over myself… probably.

Living with Parkinson’s

Feeling wobbly

Feeling scared

Parkinson’s symptoms

Undeterred

Temporary blip…

Or permanent change?

I don’t like it

Feeling strange

Cannot function

Tremor dictates

Sick and tired

When will it abate?

Fuzzy head

Cannot think

Drugs don’t work

On the brink

So much pain

Cannot move

Waiting patiently

For things to improve

Have no choice

Cannot win

Parkinson’s is my life

But I won’t give in!

https://bbc.in/3lCa1o6

But I am… ok… or rather I will be. And until I am, I will present a convincing front that I am. Hopefully!! I’m not sure why I will always feel the need to do that? Fear of judgement, maybe?! Anyway, for those who sent me worried messages, I’m OK! Honestly. You can’t keep this girl down for long.

The following photo illustrates my life exactly as it is right now… what hope do I have?! But I belly laughed when I saw my feet!

Thank you for caring. I’ll be back soon xx

Progressive and degenerative… either one on its own is not great, but together they create a double whammy of crappiness! When you are diagnosed with Parkinson’s, they skim over that bit. When you get through that initial grieving process for the life you thought you were going to have, your focus is on the positive aspects of the life you have now, the things you can still do. And then there’s medication and therapies and surgery for when you need it…. It’s possible to live a good life. At first nothing much changes. You start on some medication and have a little bit of physio but that’s all. Some adaptations to allow you to continue to do the job you love, but you are still working and driving and doing most of the things you used to enjoy doing. You even discover new hobbies which bring you great pleasure. Life is pretty good really. And then, out of nowhere, your medication doesn’t work as well as it did. Well-managed symptoms begin to return and new ones rear their ugly heads. One tablet becomes two, then three and four. You now bring a carrier bag of medication home from the pharmacy every 28 days. You are told that the symptoms you are experiencing are common in Young Onset Parkinson’s Disease, but that doesn’t make it OK. It only serves to confirm that your original diagnosis was correct. Parkinson’s generally starts on one side of the body and as it progresses, it affects both sides. I know this. I have done the research. You don’t have something like Parkinson’s and not read stuff. Everyone’s journey is different. Some people only ever experience mild symptoms and manage to live a relatively ‘normal’ life. For others the decline is rapid and symptoms debilitating. And then everyone else fits somewhere between those two extremes. I know that. Medication is only effective for a short window of time and suddenly that window becomes shorter and shorter. You experience ‘on’ and ‘off’ periods. It’s during these ‘off’ periods that you begin to notice that your symptoms now affect both sides of your body. And that floors you like a kick in the stomach. You’ve only been diagnosed for three years… how quickly is this going to progress? How bad is it going to get? Imagine being trapped in a body that doesn’t do what you want it to do. Imagine neuropathic pain so bad you want to chop your own foot off. Imagine not being able to put your foot flat on the floor. Imagine not being able to write because your medication has worn off and you can’t take any more. Imagine symptoms worsening so much over the day that by the evening you can’t walk more than a few shuffling paces or climb the stairs. Imagine not being able to turn over in bed. Imagine not being able to get dressed until your medication kicks in. And then imagine being taunted or mocked for the way your symptoms affect you. This is my life. Every moment of every day. I’m generally pretty upbeat about it because you have to be. When my symptoms are well managed, life is good. When they are not, I devote a lot of time and energy to hiding them so other people believe my life is good. To what end? I need to live a life free of judgement of other people’s perceptions of my abilities and conversely, my disabilities. I can’t even think about that at the moment. I am too preoccupied with what may be… Normally I contact my Parkinson’s nurse with an issue and she just sorts it out. This time I contacted her because I’m struggling to function and struggling to cope with the fact that I can’t function, and she said she would have to have a discussion about me?! So I’m waiting to hear the outcome of that discussion. I asked her directly if this means my Parkinson’s is progressing, but I already know the answer…. Progressive and degenerative… my life.

When you feel sad

And life is tough

You must remember

You are enough

Don’t doubt yourself

You can’t compare

Challenges you face

Others do not share

They are not better

You are not worse

Living with Parkinson’s

Can feel like a curse

Life is what you make it

So be positive

When people judge you

Try to forgive

You only get one life

So make sure it’s great

Choose to be happy

Sadness will abate

Look on the bright side

Your family and friends

Stand by and support you

Their love never ends

No matter what happens

Stand up and fight

You are a warrior

Never lose sight

Your battle is relentless

No end in sight

Victory is the life

Others see as a right

Don’t take things for granted

Little things mean a lot

This is your life

Give it your best shot

I appreciate I have to update on a lot of things and I will when I’m having a better day/week/year/life… but for now just a tale of woe which just might amuse you… at my expense, naturally!

So picture the scene. Busy, stressful day at work. Worsening Parkinson’s symptoms which make walking difficult and frankly painful. But two dogs that need walking. I could get someone else to walk them but then Parkinson’s has won and I’m not ready for that yet. So I’m wearing my funny Parkinson’s t-shirt but I’ve removed my terrible bra. It’s not a good look but who is going to see me? And do I care… honestly?! I don my utility belt and shackle the hounds and step outside. It’s muggy and raining but not actually raining, just that horrible wet air that has dramatic frizzing effects on my usually flawlessly smooth hair (now that I’m a local celebrity I have standards to maintain!)… We set off and it’s going well until we reach the golf course. Obi decided that he didn’t want to share his evening walk with Selka and kept knocking her off her feet. She responded by wrapping herself around my legs. It was slow progress as we edged our way to Obi’s favourite pond. Me spinning my way out of tangled dogs and leads and them binding me as quickly as I was released. What possessed me to use two extending leads?! Obi soon became distracted with squirrel hunting and Selka trotted along happily. Harmony was briefly restored… very briefly! As we reached Obi’s favourite pond, he commenced his usual activity of heron watching and fishing. Selka, not to be outdone, copied Obi’s every move. As we were watching the heron fly noisily into the distance, I missed the fact that Selka had stepped backwards into Obi’s favourite pond. Realising she hadn’t joined in the heron watching, I turned to find her scrambling out of the murky pond water. Great – wet dog!! I took that as our cue to head home, and rattling my utility belt as an incentive to head off, I tried to persuade a now reluctant wet pup to move. After much coaxing and cajoling we were moving again in a very spinny, trip-hazardy fashion… but we were moving! Just as I was congratulating us on the progress made, I heard someone shouting near by. I put Obi back on the lead and we carried on . The shouting got louder and it soon became apparent that they were calling a dog. Not again!!! I girded my loins and readied myself for the attack. We stood firm and waited for the inevitable…. And waited… eventually a tiny little dog came running over to us. And it just stood. The owners of the little dog were very apologetic but could they catch it?! By the time they did, Obi was in a frenzy of excitement and Selka was resolutely refusing to budge. Great… so I picked up the soaking wet dog and dragged the other spinning, back-flipping hound away from the lovely Polish family who had sensibly decided to restrain their pooch, trying to look as though I was in control but failing miserably. As I bent down to pick up Selka, my lack of underwear was very apparent under my gaping t-shirt but I didn’t have a free hand to cover my embarrassment. I shifted Selka into my other arm, exposing a now wet t-shirt. Not a good look under any circumstances but I chose to front it out as I turned to say goodbye to the Polish family. No idea what sort of impression I made but it wasn’t a good one… By now I’m struggling with symptoms and carrying a wet dog, being semi dragged along by another dog who clearly would have preferred to go home with the lovely Polish family… What ever you’re imagining is probably accurate but were you imagining this…??!!! Happy Friday!!

What a day. First day of annual leave was good. Just the sort of relaxing, battery-recharging, endorphin-producing day everyone needs every now and again. Today not so much… Today was the sort of day that makes you question your need for annual leave because work would actually be preferable… and that’s saying something! There will now follow a series of photos to illustrate the day I’ve had. Enjoy because I definitely didn’t!!

Any guesses? The early morning wake up call was because my lovely sister-in-law had a seizure and had to be taken to hospital. The lovely young carer who had gone to get her up had to do chest compressions to bring her back and is now completely traumatised. She spent the whole day in A&E, a vulnerable adult on her own, and then they discharged her after no treatment and with no follow-up. Don’t get me started!!! The paramedics were bloody brilliant though and I’m eternally grateful for the care and compassion they showed her. She’s ok and home now but we have no idea if or when it will happen again.

No. 2. My lovely, asymptomatic sister-in-law tested positive for Covid for the second time, whilst in A&E…. She doesn’t go anywhere anyway so self-isolation won’t be an issue. Mark and I are double-jabbed and also asymptomatic but tested anyway to see whether we were unwittingly carrying and transmitting Covid. Both negative fortunately but for how long? We are that lucky after all. I mean that will really top off my annual leave though won’t it?! At least we’ve had it before so if it does rear it’s ugly head once more we’re ready for it and know what to expect this time.

And thirdly, just when we thought we’d had our fair share for today, Obi was attacked by a bull mastiff on his walk this evening. I’m surprised no one heard me screaming like the crazy banshee woman I am!! Fortunately we are both ok. Obi was on the lead and the other dog came at him like a bullet out of a gun, bowled him over and then dived on top of him. It was a massive dog and because I didn’t know what it was doing to Obi, I stupidly pulled it off him, all the while screaming at the owner to get his dog under control. After I pulled the dog off, it launched at Obi again. The owner was still too far away to do anything useful so he whistled and the dog ignored him. He finally broke into a jog and then just stood there watching while I tried helplessly to get his dog off mine whilst telling him to get his dog on a lead… there may have been one or two expletives and a lot of screaming… Eventually he got hold of his dog, no apologies or expressions of regret. He stood there and told me it wasn’t his fault because the dog is only 12 months old and still a puppy! A fucking enormous, untrained, potentially dangerous puppy, that the police are now aware is owned by a twatweasel who has not trained it, has no control and does not deserve to own a dog! Next he’ll blame the dog…. Apologies for the swearing but I’m sure you would all swear in a similar situation. Poor Obes…. That man doesn’t know who he’s messing with. I’m not letting him get away with it. Imagine if I had been an elderly person or a small child??? I know there was no physical damage but who is to say there won’t be next time. Obi was trying to back out of his harness and I know if he’d managed it, he’d have disappeared. I’m so thankful that he only got one leg out. Because with that untrained beast chasing him… I can’t even think about it…. I do actually feel sorry for the other dog. A dog like that needs a responsible handler who understands the breed. I’m sure this is the same dog I hear barking night and day so it can’t have a very happy life. See now I want to remove that guys testicles with a rusty knife. Totally irrational… I’d better walk Obi somewhere else for a while….

Bring on Bank Holiday Monday!! I mean, I hardly dare say it but, it can’t really be much worse… and that right there is a rainbow, and I’m taking it!! 🌈🙄😂🤦🏻‍♀️❤️